It’s quiet as I write this. A time for reflection and repose, as my birthday appears on the horizon. I’m turning 48 on Wednesday the 27th August. When I was younger that would have seemed such a mature age, but now-as it soars down upon me-I find myself thinking, it’s not that old really. Time has flown and I have witnessed many changes both internally and externally over the years.
Life has been quite a surprising, interesting and at many times bumpy ride. My thoughts have me wondering about the unconscious choices our id makes for us. As I keep stepping out into, what I believe is a second chance at life. I know not all arrive at the chance to live fully one time – so feel thankful to be given a second opportunity.
The other day as I looked in the mirror. Studying the lines on my face and the grey in my hair. Sadness arrived for a few short moments, as I stared at the orphan in front of me. Acknowledging the loss and death of both my parents fully. I thought to myself,
‘Once upon a time I was a little girl looked after, by her parents.’
This now seems a lifetime ago – although the little girl who is me, never leaves and always resides within. Never changing and ever changing. My life motto.
My physical life is entering a changing phase known as the menopause. I wondered how I would feel about this – as emotional as I felt when steralised after the birth of my daughter. Or free? Yet it feels neither. It just is…
The desire to exercise more is with me-maybe that has something to do with the changes. Enjoying those wind swept moments on the beach as once again, they come along. A need to stretch in a warm yoga class and a desire to take to the saddle for the winter months or in needed moments warm my bones in the dry air of a sauna. All this bubbles to the surface from deep within, as I feel an autumnal chill, begin to arrive in the air.
I realise over my lifetime I have learnt so much. Yet there is so much more to be unlearnt and re-sorted. Cauterising unnecessary wants. I continuously yearn to discover what my life has to share with me. Although my desire for challenge seems to be waning, as I arrive at a more balanced place within my life.
Instead I want to enjoy myself. I am attempting to become adept at scuba diving – although it is taking a while to get there. Maybe slow and steady wins the race. I don’t know. That’s where the Maldives, comes in. The last time I went scuba diving in Ibiza – the owner told me that I always feel anxious when I dive, because I only ever go away for short breaks and spend one or two days buoyant in our underwater realm. It would do me good – for scuba purposes, to dedicate some time to the craft. A little part of me dreams of laying on an Maldivian atoll – somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Happy and relaxed after a days diving. Not a big dream for some, but for me at the moment, enormous.
After celebrating 25 years of marriage with the man, who very nearly broke my heart but has worked hard at rebuilding the damage done. Our love seems to reside on an even deeper level. Surprising how knowing someone for so long, can sometimes lead to deeper levels of intimacy, a person didn’t know existed – I can feel it warming my bones and residing with the flow of blood cells, as they dance round the body.
My tastebuds are changing once again. Travelling to Paris with Eurostar recently and previously on a winter sun visit to San Blas in Tenerife, I discovered a delight in drinking anything with bubbles.
Cava to Champagne over the past few months have delicately fluttered against my lips. The urge to spend a little time with a glass of Moët present. Although Jack (as in Daniels) still holds a tender place in my heart.
I find this an interesting time of life, but then I think if honest, I’ve found every time of life interesting – although not always comfortable.
Now, as I reach middle age and yes I am planning to do everything in my power to live to at least 100. I wonder what the future holds. Feel excited within, at achieving my goals and a strong desire to live life the way I think it should be lived.
Do you take time to reflect in repose?
I’d love to know your thoughts…